Lost in Transition (HJ Pt 10)

In the final part of my Hidden Journal I have combined my 12 month update with where I am today, 27 months after the operation. The reason for this is, I dislike dwelling in the past and am far more interested in writing about the now and the future.

Also I want to get back to the many other non-trans topics that bring joy and fascinate me. I want to start flexing my creativity in other areas. In short, after 10 post about my trans life you are probably as bored of reading about it as I am.

Note – I am not a medical practitioner. Always seek professional advice before doing anything that will impact your health or mental wellbeing.

The 12 month update – July 2019

I’m pleased to say that on the whole the past 12 months have been the best of my life. The overall effect oestrogen has had on my personality has been astounding. I am much more chilled and most of the time far more focused. Sure, I still occasionally get grumpy and angry, but these moods last for a 10th of the time they did. So from a feelings point of view this has been a total success. 

I do cry a lot and I mean a lot! This can be for a multitude of reasons both happy and sad.  I put the emotions down to my hormones not being balanced in a natural way but I may be wrong and not sure if the effects will decrease over time. My testosterone levels are now below 0.9 and I am at female levels for every other hormone lab test. 

Sadly that is not the case when it comes to my body and appearance. In fact most people would not even be aware I am taking hormones. My wife can see all the changes: my face has softened as well as my skin, my hips and butt are slowly changing as the weight redistributes around my body,  and I have very small and very painful breasts but still early days on that front; no pun intended. 

My hair is a little thicker, the lack of testosterone does seem to be halting my receding hairline.  Alas, as we knew, oestrogen has had no effect on stopping facial hair or changing voice pitch. I am very happy with my general progress, even if most people would not detect much difference in my outward projection. 

27 Months :- the good, the bad and the very ugly!!!! 

As of writing it is now 19th October 2020 the world appears to be falling off its axis and for the past year it could be said that I have Lost the plot when it comes to my feminine transition. Our personal circumstances have changed quite a lot over the past year and sadly not for the better. 

My wife had an accident at work where she was exposed to large plumes of MDF board dust, kickstarting her fall out of remission from her sarcoidosis (please read her post on this disease). The incident put her into A&E and to be frank almost killed her. Some days later she was struggling to breathe again whilst out taking a gentle stroll. She became dizzy, and fell down the hill, managing to break her leg.

A month later our beloved dog ‘Woden’ passed away which was heartbreaking. And then my wife was relocated from the peaceful rural Scottish Borders to the overcrowded working coast of Cumbria: a very different life style altogether and not one my transgender self was ready or prepared to experience.

My wife’s health was in tail spin and I had to, (for want of a better description) ‘man-up’. 

Whilst I never stopped taking my oestrogen, I did stop all work on my appearance. I became very androgynous. Hoodies, jeans and boots became the order of the day as I navigated this totally ‘new to me’ traditional male dominated and mentally conservative area of the country. I must confess to being at a bit of a loss. 

Some people would say I chickened out of presenting my true self and I will take that on the chin. 

I absolutely did. 

It was stressful enough doing all the stuff with my wife who was in a wheelchair for nearly six months, navigating a new environment, dealing with macho bullshit, without having to face the derision and confusion presenting as feminine would no doubt cause in this part of the world.

Then came coronavirus. We started our lockdown on the advice of my wife’s doctors on March 9th. The official letter to shield came a few weeks later. Not being able to leave the house really does make you stand back and look at yourself and your life. I had let myself go. I was a wreck. I had forgotten who I was and who I wanted to be. 

So I began the long journey back. I started walking around and around the house inside obviously to get some much needed exercise. This built up until I was doing 3 hours a day and actually dancing to 128 bpm music for most of it. I started eating better again and taking time out to look after my appearance . I lost 2 stone and just as I was at my happiest in a long time I injured my groin dancing.  Whilst I felt only 17, my body decided to remind me I am clearly not. (only I could do something like that 🤣😅😆) And whilst it hurts like heck and will take about a month to heal, unlike the old me, I won’t give up this time. I will continue, although rather boringly, I’m back to just walking each day. 

We have also decided we will be leaving this area and going back across the Border as soon as we can. After much soul searching, we both agreed that we were at out happiest living in Scotland. It just feels like home, a feeling both of us lost a long time ago.

In my life I seem destined to never be in a state of joy or happiness for very long, something always seems to come along and knock me back into reality. Though I must reluctantly acknowledge that, compared to others,  I am doing quite well during this stressful time.

I know as I write, I still have a long way to go even after two years to get to where I wanted to be in my trans fem journey.  But, I again, now have clear goals including FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) next year, even if I have no idea how I will pay for this expense but vitally important (For ME ) last step in my transition. 

I am glad to say my wife is still supporting me all the way and together we make a great team, getting each other through the ups and downs with our humour. 

No matter how long it takes, we will achieve all our goals and I hope you, dear reader, will keep dropping by to see how we are doing.