Bilateral Orchiectomy- (Hidden Journal Pt 8)

Note This is 8th of 10 private posts which I have decided to make public in the hope someone somewhere may find help and comfort from them. I am not a medical practitioner. Always seek professional advice before doing anything that will impact your health or mental wellbeing.

Written on 5th July 2018

Tomorrow (July 6th, 2018) I will be getting my Bilateral Orchiectomy. So from the 7th, I will be like the Unsullied in Game of Thrones, a Eunuch. 

I make a joke out of it, because it’s a paradoxical situation both a big deal and not a big deal.  Firstly for many it is a big deal,  because having to have ones’ testicles removed is one of the most horrific thoughts possible. Those that need the operation because of cancer or for other health reasons can be mentally scared for a long time afterwards.

While most will take testosterone after the operation and even have fake testicles implanted to still look the same,  I will be doing neither. Tomorrow my body will pump the usual minimal testosterone level around my body for the last time. It will do all the things that it has done to me since puberty: induce rage, sexual arousel and even give me at times ‘super human’ strength. 

After my operation my body will cease to make testosterone in its’ usual manner. Sure there are other glands that can produce very small amounts of testosterone but nothing anywhere near what is required for a ‘normal’ male. Most men function between 9.2 to 31.8 nmol/l  depending on age. Before going into the surgery my levels are at 7.8 nmol\l which is quite low anyway. My levels will eventually fall to about 0.9 nmol\l 

This is not a big deal for me. I want to be rid of the testosterone for I believe, wrongly or rightly, it is this over everything else that has cursed my life. Testosterone has shaped my body into the one thing I didn’t want to be and it is responsible for my emotional rollercoaster which has plagued me for years. 

I am betting all our savings (£6500 – the cost of my procedure), that the removal of the testicles will be the main step on the road to the inner peace I so badly need and desire. 

People can claim what they like it’s a free world, but for me once the testosterone is gone I can truly begin my trans life. I can begin my journey towards the feminine. 

Some proclaim transgender people are a lie and a joke, and yet if after my feminine facial surgery in a few years (once I saved the money) people still refuse except me as fem, I will always be a eunuch going forwards, no longer a complete male ( as we say in the dog world lol) and that is a good start for me. 

So, am I scared about tomorrow? Funnily enough, No! In fact I have never felt so ready for something. I am convinced that for me this is the right decision both for my mental and physical well-being. In fact tomorrow for me is a day of celebration.