Gender Clinic (Hidden Journal Pt.4)

Note This is 4th of 10 private posts which I have decided to make public in the hope someone somewhere may find help and comfort from them. I am not a medical practitioner. Always seek professional advice before doing anything that will impact your health or mental wellbeing.

Written on 19 April 2018

Last week, I had an appointment with a Private Gender Specialist Doctor in Edinburgh. It was a relaxed and friendly hour long meeting, which for me (read my past posts) was decades overdue.

The Dr was the first person, other than my wife, I had spoken to about my feminising wish. Upon relaying my 51 years of hiding the truth, I did inevitably end up crying. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel any of the shame and embarrassment I would usually experience showing my emotions to a complete stranger.

I was pleased that my wife was able to attend. She said seeing me so emotionally vulnerable helped to really hammer the point home. Once again what I was feeling was for real and our life was final taking this course. It is my perception, many wives and partners would run a mile when faced with the fact that their husband was going to start transitioning, fortunately my wife was as unfazed as she was 26 years before.

I do not wish to go into all the details of the appointment, other than to say, I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. This was not surprising in the least for me, but it was important for me to hear someone say it to my face.

Bilateral Orchidectomy

Because of my age and after years of actual significant testicular pain not ‘just mental dysphoria’, I had concluded sometime ago that a Bilateral Orchidectomy was going to be one of the main operations in my transition. Simply put, it is the removal of both testicles, doing what many may seem as drastic surgery would have multiple benefits for me. It would remove the need for hormone blockers. It may also reduce the amount of oestrogen required for my transition or at the very least, let it operate in my body unchallenged.

It is my testicles coupled with testosterone that has brought me nothing but mental, and in the case of the testicles, physical pain for decades. After much research, for me at-least, a Bilateral Orchidectomy is a grand step in the right direction. It has far more benefits than it has potential problems. From aesthetics and physical comfort to the rage I had always related to testosterone battling my femininity and trying to prove that I was a ‘real man’ :-these things have got to go.

I am fully aware that this operation, while minor in comparison to full SRS ( Sex reassignment surgery), is not without risks or potential health problems in the future. I have concluded personally I am too old to put my body through SRS. I should have done it in the 90’s when I first wanted to.

While I know many older people go through the operation, I personally don’t see the point for me. The testicles are the male driver and once they are gone, the peace I so desperately search for may finally descend. Whilst I understand I won’t be an anatomical woman, that doesn’t matter as face feminisation is far more important to me than messing around with old plumbing that no-one but my wife and doctors will ever see.

It seems to me, the hormones offer up the biggest health risk to all trans people long term. Like most drugs, everyone reacts differently to them. Side effects can range from virtually nothing to basically, well in some cases, death.

This is the reason I am going down the Orchidectomy route, because if the Oestrogen has too much of an impact on my health, I will just live without any hormones. Sure doctors don’t recommend this, but the way I see it is that there have been millions of eunuchs throughout history and many of them had long and as far as we know healthy lives.

One of the biggest problem is osteoporosis, which from googling appears basically inevitable without the correct hormones in your body. To be honest it seems like you can get it even with them. Osteoporosis can be delayed, held in check or avoided with vitamin D and calcium supplements. Once again I am not a doctor and everything I am stating is taken from web research,I take everything with a healthy dose of scepticism .

Because a Bilateral Orchidectomy is non-reversible, my next step is to get an evaluation of my sanity to make sure. To quote the spice girls ‘what I want, is what I really really want’ 😊 which is a frustrating but understandable part of the transitioning process. My wife offered to do the Orchidectomy with an xact-o knife, which was funny until reading that people really do try to do DIY castrations. Oh lord, I feel queasy just thinking about it ….till next time friends take care and be safe.

And Another thing…..

Oh before I go, I want to address the pink elephant in the room:- ‘Gender Dysphoria’.

What follows is only MY VIEW. It has not been approved or signed off by the Transgender Lizards Death Cult (I jest …….or do I ….lol)

Sadly it seems obvious to say it but I don’t think many people get it … All transgender people have different needs and different levels of dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria is the distress and mental trauma a person feels due to a mismatch between their internal identity and their assigned sex at birth …..idealistic mumbo-jumbo?

Hang on let me finish. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, there has been much heated debate about dysphoria, much of it incredibly insensitive and misleading.

As much as the metaphor of a women trapped in a mans’ body for M to F (male to female) trans is banded about, this does little to convince or calm those that seek to turn this into a political topic that can be used to frighten the majority of people that wouldn’t know a trans person if they met one or apparently, if you believe YouTube, even dated one.

The media loves the trans topic because it is one of the last ‘them vs us’ stories they can get away with in our ‘supposed’ tolerant modern world.

Few non-trans people are willing to stand up for a group of so misunderstood and mocked, yet in all honesty I don’t blame them, if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t even give this a second thought.

Trans people are misunderstood and that probably has a lot to do with how the media handles the topic. The only way most people even know about us is in headlines like ‘sad shemale takes own life’ and ‘20 stone truck driver becomes glamorous porn star’ These may sell papers but they do little to inform people on the decades of mental turmoil many trans people have had to endure.

Personally, I reject the ‘jelly moulding’ of transgender people even within the trans community. Trans people are just people like everyone else. We are all different. We are not one size fits all when it comes to our world outlook or body preference and we certainly should not be seen as a political movement.

I have to be honest, I really don’t care why I’m trans. I really don’t care if Gender Dysphoria is a ‘real thing’ or simply scientists latest attempt to describe what they really don’t understand.

I don’t care if it’s all in my own head, if it’s just a metal imbalance like so many other strange things people do …..if it is – so what.

I am what I am and I am at peace with it. I find it deeply saddening that my peace brings so many unaffected people consternation and outrage.

I think if society is really going to burst a blood vessel over people who choose not to ‘act normally’ then this says more about society than it does about those it labels as ‘men in dresses’ or ‘girls in suits’.

I am too old to play word games, and having been bullied as a child for years for being different I have little sensitivity left when it comes to worrying how I fail to fit in with the political correct thought of today.

So forgive me, my trans friends, if what I have said offends or even hurts… We are, as I have previously stated, all different and this is just my view. If you are using your Dysphoria to move forward some geo political plan you ‘go girl or boy’, just don’t expect me to be there waving a flag.

Trans people should receive the same rights as everyone else, and if they don’t want us in ‘their toilets’ then fucking build non gendered toilets and let’s get on with our lives. Because I want to pee and don’t have time to wait for a ‘communist gender revolution’, comrades ( ok I’m jesting again…but I refuse to have my Trans life welded onto every Tom, Dick and Judys’ political agenda)