Free Fall (Hidden Journal Pt.2)

Note This is 2nd part of 10 private posts which I have decided to make public over the coming weeks in the hope someone, somewhere may find help and comfort from them. I’m not a medical practitioner, always seek professional advice before doing anything that will impact your health or mental wellbeing.

Post was written -January 5, 2018

So sadly the doctors appointment went as planned. I was given a CD to help with my stress levels and was told that I was going to be referred once again to a psychiatrist, but as usual the waiting list is very long. So who knows when I will see said psychiatrist. 

Once again I failed to make it clear just how lost I am. I am not sure how a stress CD will help someone thinking about constructing and using a gallows,  other than maybe as the rope tightens on my neck I will be very chilled. Of course I’m being facetious. If I had displayed more classic signs (whatever they may be) of potentially suicidal tendencies, I would have been given direct intervention. Maybe it’s just a fact that while I feel truly lost and that my life is worthless, I hate myself and everyday is just filled with despair, that’s just ‘normal’ or at least not sufficiently scary to justify me being restrain for my own safety.

The fact is I cried for help and all I got was a bloody CD!!! lol. Of course I am not going to listen to it as I know all about how to be at peace, meditation and self enquiry which this website should, after all these years,  testify to.

I don’t want a bloody psychiatrist, I need a software upgrade. I think psychiatrists are great for people that don’t know how to strip away at the layers of their life. I do. I splay all my life before me regularly. I know my weakness, I know my fears, I know what’s wrong with me. I am just not strong enough to act on it so the free-fall continues.

Check back next week for part 3 – when we finally start to get to the point.

Read part one here