Tomorrow the state will burn my fathers body in a funeral service which will reflect little of my own personal beliefs. As I am not a conventional Christian and do not hold any conventional belief system I get what I get. In truth it matters not, and I can’t change the fact my dad is dead just three months after the passing of my mother. I see little point in funerals myself but i know others in my family will take comfort from it.
The one thing I have decided to take from the event is to burn all my fear and doubt in that coffin with my father. I was born into a family of worriers like most people, I can’t remember a time when my mother wasn’t afraid of something or other be it the Bank Manager or some story on the news. My father despite all his bravado seldom spoke out in public, he simply vented in the privacy of his own home. I think both of them had inferiority complexes that held them back from truly saying that they wanted and living as they wished. I by nurture inherited all this crap and from my earliest days at school that fear and doubt was smelt out by those that thought kicking the shit out of people was a fun thing to do. People always sensed in me a weakness that could be exploited by them. Despite me achieving much so over the years, I have always been hampered by a need to still basically fit in, to not be to obviously different, for when your different you do have a habit of attracting attention and ending up mocked mauled and beaten both literally and metaphorically.
As I have no parents left to embarrass or offend and I am now almost 48 I think it is time that I did and said exactly as I want because as they say your a long time dead. So over the past days I have been mentally packing up all the times in my life that I have been fearful and full of doubt along with all the negative out comes from those feelings. I will be mentally placing all those times in the coffin and when the furnace starts up I will be cleansed of this junk once and for all.
Some would say I should not burden my fathers soul with such stuff, but my dad died on the 12 of August and I believe by now his soul has long moved on. Whoever my father was beyond the man he acted out for us, is not in that coffin, its just a rotting shell that is no longer required much like my past mindsets.
Men throughout history have stared into fire seeking wisdom or inspiration, fires for our Kin no doubt was magical Alchemy which changed form into dust. It has always been seen as a form of cleansing for nations and individuals alike.
‘Free at last’
My fathers last years like my mothers were far from ideal full of mental and physical pain and suffering, much of my life has be the same, held down by mental chains, many of them unknowingly placed there by them. So as I walk from the church built for others than me, I will tomorrow be at peace, cleansed and finally truly born anew. My Parents did everything they could for me in life, now its time for me to honour that by living life free from the very fear and doubt that limited them truly saying and doing what they really wanted.